Sunday, August 06, 2006

giving life to the dying

I was at church today and a woman stood to share a story. She is a nurse in the delivery unit of her hospital. In the last few weeks, there was one family that gave birth to a child that they had known for months would not survive for very long. They had the option of aborting the child earlier in the pregnancy, but chose to greet their child, their oldest child's sibling, and then say goodbye. Their poor baby's face was mishapen, but, though it was obvious this baby was not a pretty baby, the couple felt their baby was beautiful. They held their baby for its 32 hours of life and cherished every moment.
Another couple, a young couple, found out a week before their child was due, that it would also not survive very long and would be horribly mishapen. At the baby's birth, the couple decided to visit with their child for an hour. At that point, they handed the child back to the nurses and refused to see their baby anymore. The nurses held the baby for the next 15 hours, until it had slipped away.
As an infertile, I pray and long for a child. I pray to be pregnant. I don't dare pray to have a healthy child, not after what the rocket scientist and I have been through. I'd take a few hours of having my next child in my arms, to never having the opportunity at all. As the rocket scientist and I talked about this woman's stories, we cried and laid out all of the fears that are running through our minds. Neither one of us feels like we have the right to pray for a healthy child. A fertile woman would pray for a healthy child. I can hear them now, "I don't care if it is a boy or girl. I just want my baby to be healthy." I feel so angry, so irrationally angry, because all I want is a baby, my baby. I'd take a sick baby, a baby with delays, a baby who only had a few hours to live. Is that selfish? I know this feeling we have is just another symptom of the sickness of infertility. Getting a BFP won't cure us, either of us. I feel so tired, looking at the road ahead of us. If I ever do get that elusive BFP, I hope I'll have the courage to pray for a healthy baby. One day at a time, though.


  • At 7:18 AM, Blogger Beth said…

    I believe you will pray for that healthy baby, but all in its own time. Its so overwhelming to be looking down the barrel of your first IVF cycle that you can hardly do more than put one foot in front of the other and shuffle foward. Thinking of you.


Post a Comment

<< Home