Friday, August 04, 2006

giving voice to the journey

It's time that I did this. I don't know why I haven't before. I've certainly gutted my soul to my other IF sisters in public and other private forums, but I've never kept a record of this time for myself.
When I got married, I was young. I was full of big dreams of a big family. The rocket scientist and I wanted 7 children. No, we weren't crazy. We were in love. We'd seen other large families of this size and we wanted the joy and chaos that they had. Seven months passed, while we worked on our degrees and kept busy being newlyweds.
Then it happened. I miscarried on a trip home over Christmas break. I was 5 1/2 weeks along. I didn't even have a chance to see the dr or tell our parents. It was over before we could even embrace it ourselves. This was a wake-up call for us. We realized that we wanted our family right away.
We started TTC a few months later. A few cycles in, the rocket scientist had a SA done. His numbers were outstanding. The dr patted us on the back and told us to get back to work. Sixteen cycles later, we stopped TTC. The rocket scientist was having liver problems from a genetic condition. We decided to get him through school, instead of making babies. I dropped out and kept him going. We told ourselves that we'd get back to TTC once we were within a year of graduation. I say "we" because that degree is half mine for the effort I've put into it.
We still wanted to nurture children. My studies were designed to put me into helping troubled youth, so we decided to do foster care. I was an adopted child, so it seemed right to us. We got our first kiddo in January 2000 and have had 24 kids in total. In that group of 24 kids, I found my son and daughter. My adopted kiddos are biological siblings. I picked them up from 2 seperate Denver-area hospitals in May 2002. My son was 19 months, drug exposed and had bronchitis from cold exposure. His bio family was living on the streets. My daughter was 6 months, 8lbs, unresponsive, drug exposed and had pneumonia. We got through years of therapeutic and medical services to get them to be the healthy and happy children they are today. The adoption finalized in Jan 2005 and they are 4 and 5 y.o. now.
Fast forward. June 26, 2005, I stopped taking the Pill. In August, we got back to TTC. We did it all. We did the temps, OPKs, CM, etc.. After 6 mo., we knew there was a problem. We got into an RE. HSG clear. Ovulating just fine. SA - total crap. Count was 4 mil, with poor morphology and motility. MIL had elected for a baby hernia operation for the rocket scientist back in 1975, which caused a varicocele. She must have hated me, even back then. It is degenerative in nature, so we basically screwed ourselves by waiting 8 years into our marriage before getting back to TTC. Rocket scientist had a embolization done in March, but good results can take years. Not waiting for that.
So, we asked about IUI and were told that it would be a waste of money and time. We needed to save our pennies for IVF, but we knew we couldn't afford it. We did a couple home IUIs (AMA), but they obviously turned out just like the other cycles. The dr gave us a 3% chance for conceiving au natural and a 7-10% chance with IUI. So, with one more year to the rocket science degree, we knew we were a good 2-3 years from affording IVF.
A gift from God. We were referred as good candidates for an IVF study being done in Chicago. The FDA is testing a new ovulation induction drug that has been used in Europe for years. We get the cycle for free, if we can pay for transportation and lodging. We even get cryo and 1 year storage for free. We had our consult out there last weekend. Got to play with the big needles. Had to stare at the walls of babies for 10 minutes before I could let go of the panic. Medicated cycles are totally new to me. So, we're cycling in October. It seems too perfect, too easy to get a BFP. I'm 28, have no fertility issues and ICSI will totally make up for the MFI. I want to believe it can happen. Somedays I do. Most days, I have to correct myself to prepare for the crushing reality of a BFN.
So, that's me. The girl who wanted the Cheaper by the Dozen reality and is now praying for just one. Grateful that I have my two blessings, my heart babies at home. Frightened, excited, overwhelmed, struggling for courage.


  • At 11:20 AM, Blogger Jamie said…

    What clinic are you going through in the Chicago area? This sounds like an amazing program!

  • At 8:28 PM, Blogger Angela E. said…

    We're going through Fertility Centers of Illinois. The study is called Organon. We were referred by INCIID, when we applied for their IVF scholarship program. Didn't get the scholarship, but we got this. They only had 40 of the 70 spots filled a couple of weeks ago, if you or anyone else is interested. I'd be happy to send more info your way.


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